Diary Jun 2, 2026

It has been such a sad day. Hope and expectation weighed down on me on the train back home. Sad enough that I felt lonely, that I yearned for consolation and escape. Once in a while I think about a place that i will find peace, not a physical place, but an emotional shelter I can seek out in my head. Do I have one? Which was the memory that I was most happy in, one not tainted later by disappointment and partings? Probably I have one, or two. It was the trip to Hanoi when I was sitting behind my cousin on her motorbike, going from one DVD store to the next, looking for movies and came back watching these. We watched all types, including artsy and weird ones like Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter ... and Spring and talked and fell asleep. At the time, we thought that all we would ever need in a partner was someone who could watch movies with us. I still think it is such a soulful thing to do together, to share and vibrate together through a story. Isn't it how we find out the other one has the same frequency with us? And I had forgotten that, I forgot myself for such a while. I used to believe I was looking for a person with the same taste in books, movies, music as partner. But as I grow older, I have changed. I sought out things that were not that deep anymore, because depth had become "cringe", because it was a burden. I mistook people for my soulmate, disregarding their inability to connect emotionally but availability to go wild. I forgot my 18 year old soul, my 24 year old soul and lost a bit of myself in the process of growing up. Today, I remember. I guess I dont really need a partner anymore. But if I ever have one, that person will warm me with their soul and truly vibrate with me. Let us not forget who we were, who we are.